If you’re new here, After the Fall is the book I’ve been writing for sixteen years—one story at a time.
Each chapter connects a real moment from my post-prison life with a philosophical idea that helped me make sense of my journey.

This one—Chapter 5, Easier to Say Than Live—takes place a year after my release. It begins in a ballroom in Arkansas and ends on a lake in Marina del Rey.
What ties both scenes together is a single Nietzsche line that haunted me:

“The value of a thing lies not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it.”

The Fall Interrupted

May 20, 2010 — Jonesboro, Arkansas

I was thirty seconds into an ethics lecture when a big man in the back cut me off. I said something I usually say while working my way into a lecture:

“Anyone can make bad decisions under pressure,” I said. “Anyone can rationalize a shortcut, tell themselves they’ll fix it later, and end up somewhere they never imagined—like federal prison.”

“Not me,” the big man said. Then he stood up. He must’ve been six-five, beard down to his chest, arms folded like he’d been waiting for this moment.

For a moment, no one moved.

“It’s not time for commentary or questions yet,” I told him.

“I know,” he said. “I just don’t want you thinking everyone in here could fall like you did. Your decisions are your own. I’ve been an accountant for more than twenty years and have never taken a shortcut or made a bad decision under pressure.”

Every head turned. The room went quiet. I could almost feel them hoping it would turn ugly.

It was May 20, 2010—one year to the day after my release from Taft Federal Prison Camp. There were a thousand accountants in that room, all there for continuing-education credit. I’d already spoken to more than one hundred classes around Southern California—USC, Long Beach State, UCLA, Cal State Dominguez Hills.

At one of those early talks, after eight classes in a single day, a professor handed me a hundred dollars for gas. I was grateful. The value wasn’t the money; it was the practice—learning to stand up, pivot, and share my story. Those small rooms led to this huge one in Jonesboro, where the organizers bought a thousand copies of Lessons from Prison and paid me a five-figure honorarium.

Now a man in the back was challenging me.

I looked at him, then at the audience. I felt awake—not threatened, but alive. It reminded me of baseball, standing in front of tens of thousands knowing that one swing could bring cheers or silence. Prison had stripped away the crowd; now it was back, and I didn’t fear it.

For a split second, the old reflex fired—prove him wrong, land a sharp comeback. Then I caught myself. That impulse—to win every exchange—had helped land me in prison.

“You’re right,” I said. “It was wrong to suggest everyone in this room, or the entire human race, could make the same terrible decisions I made. I apologize.”

I let the pause hang. “I’m here to share my story—how, despite knowing right from wrong, I crossed the line, created victims, embarrassed my family, ruined my career, and spent 388 days in federal prison. I hope you’ll find value in what I share. Again, I apologize for implying that everyone could fall like I did.”

He nodded and sat down. The tension eased but didn’t disappear. Some in the audience still looked disappointed that the show hadn’t escalated.

Once I settled in, I told them about prison—about walking that dirt track every morning, about how I fell in love with philosophy, even if I understood only a small part of it.

“Truth is,” I said, “ninety-nine percent of what I read went over my head. One line from Nietzsche stuck with me:

‘The value of a thing lies not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it.’”

“Some people skip their child’s game for a meeting,” I said. “They stay quiet when something feels wrong because speaking up might cost them a bonus—or maybe they work in a culture that rewards turning the other way.”

I wasn’t guessing. I’d done it myself—attained status, bonuses, and a title at the cost of my health and my freedom. Eventually, I learned the bill always comes due. In my case, it was United States of America v. Justin Paperny.

At the end of my presentation, I expected the big guy in the back row to come up and speak to me. He didn’t—that would’ve been too cliché.

Instead, someone who asked me to sign Lessons from Prison called me aside.

“Man, that quote about attaining versus cost really makes sense,” he said.

By that point in my speaking career, I’d learned something: people I didn’t know would tell me the most personal things—trauma they endured, crimes they’d committed and never got caught for, the time they got arrested, every detail. They did it because I’d just opened up, in detail, about the worst decisions I’d ever made.

“For years I just worked,” the accountant continued. “Chased every credential—CPA, CFA, MBA. I got the titles, the business, the income. But I’m burned out. I can’t stop working, and I feel this compulsion to keep proving myself. I can’t believe all the books you read in prison. I can’t read for two minutes without checking my email. I’m tired.”

Another accountant joined him, older, mid-forties but looking sixty. “I’ve been walked over my entire career,” he said. “I say yes to everything—to clients, to long workdays, to no weekends off. I’ve got possessions, but I have no peace. I feel like a pushover. I attained it all—but at what cost?”

I thanked both men for pulling me aside and for sharing their stories. We all have our own version of the fall. I told them the lecture was of no value without some implementation of a lesson I shared; otherwise, I told them, I’m just some guy from California who got reprimanded thirty seconds into his presentation for insinuating the whole human race can succumb to pressure and end up in prison.mmm

“There must be a next step—something you agree to do,” I said, “or this lecture was useless.”

I wasn’t sure if I was saying it to them or to myself.

The Bill Comes Due

After the Arkansas event, I slipped back into the rhythm I knew—airports, hotels, and lectures. That year I spoke everywhere: business schools, law-enforcement trainings, even the FBI Academy.

As a stockbroker, I had managed several hundred million dollars, much of it annuitized. On the first day of every quarter, I knew a large commission check was coming from work I’d done months or years earlier. It was comforting; it also made me lazy.

As a speaker, I only got paid when I spoke. I was grateful for the work, but I couldn’t help comparing it to my old life—steady money versus constant motion. Most nights I wondered if I was building something or just passing time.

One night in a Chicago hotel, I sealed a restitution check and stared at the envelope before dropping it at the front desk. I told myself I was paying for freedom. Mostly, I felt the weight of what I’d lost. When that feeling hit, my mind went back to a Saturday in the prison library, where I first read The Picture of Dorian Gray. In Chapter Two, Oscar Wilde wrote, “The triumph of your past will make more bitter than defeat.”

He was right. Success can turn into its own kind of punishment when you measure every new effort against what you once had. I’d had good years breaking the law, real victories, and those memories had a way of poisoning the present. The more I tried to relive them, the less I saw what I was actually accomplishing now.

I love to quote the Stoics—focus on what you have rather than what you lost, gratitude over grief. But sitting in that hotel room, I caught myself doing the opposite. Even when opportunity was right in front of me, I couldn’t stop measuring progress with the wrong ruler. In prison I told myself I’d live differently. Turns out, it’s easier to sound Stoic than to live that way.

That constant comparing mindset caused me to stall, to delay, to wait for some perfect future before taking the next steps in my personal life.

The Cost of Waiting

“Steve, she’d have to work full-time,” I said as we ran up a hill along Ventura Boulevard.

He looked over. “Who’s she?”

“My future wife,” I said.

He laughed. “You’re already building a family in your head?”

“I’m just saying, my mom stayed home when I was little. She worked when I got older, but she didn’t have to. I think a mom should be home with the kids. I’m just not there yet.”

It was July 2011, and I was running in Woodland Hills with my friend Steve Cain. We’d known each other since high school, played baseball together, and later in college—I was at USC, he was at UC Santa Barbara. He’d seen every version of me: before prison, during, and after the fall.

Steve kept running beside me. “Do you think maybe she’ll want to work—or she isn’t concerned with how much you make?” he said. “You keep telling audiences to measure life not by what you attain but by what it costs you. What’s this waiting costing you?”

I didn’t hesitate. “You’re right.”

After that run, sitting in my house in Studio City, I reassessed. At thirty-five years old, it was time to put any preconceived ideas aside and do what I tell others to do: just try.

The Nietzsche line came back to me—the value of a thing lies not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it. I thought about how often I’d told others to act while I was doing my own version of waiting. I kept saying I needed to provide the same lifestyle I grew up with before I could get serious about marriage or kids. The truth was simpler: I’d convinced myself I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility. It was easier to take the lazy way out, to keep saying not yet—waiting for a someday that was never going to arrive.

A few weeks later, I got home from a week in Virginia and reactivated my Jewish dating profile. I had taken it down before, convincing myself that I needed more time to build.

I put the profile back up—this time without that excuse.

The Record Speaks
August 2011 — Marina del Rey, California

Sandra called while I was driving to Pepperdine Law School for my eleventh lecture in two weeks. I was excited to speak to law students; most of my presentations so far had been for business classes, accounting programs, and brokerage firms.

“So what do you do for work?” she asked.

“I’ll text you my website,” I said. “If you’re okay with what you see, let me know.”

“Your website?”

“Yes, check out my website.”

“Okay, will do.”

When I hung up, I knew I had taken the easy way out. I could stand in front of thousands of strangers and explain why I went to prison—every shortcut, every lie, every ounce of arrogance—but I couldn’t say it to one person on the phone.

Two days passed. No response.

Then I texted again: “So sorry we were rushed the other night. Can you talk at 8 p.m.?”

Nothing.

Another two days later: “Hi Sandra, Justin Paperny here. You’ve gone dark. Dark is not good!” I texted.

Later that day she replied: “Hi Justin, I’ve reviewed your website, your past, what you did. I’ve enjoyed reading some of your blogs and truly believe you want to help people. I can see you’re trying to make something good out of something bad. Still want to talk?”

“Yes,” I typed back immediately.

A week later we met by the Cheesecake Factory but chose to walk around the lake instead.

Sandra opened by asking about my family—about my mom, what she was like, and how my parents handled everything when I went to prison. I appreciated her genuine curiosity. I was proud talking about how supportive they had been through everything. Her questions weren’t probing; they were thoughtful. It felt natural—two people getting to know each other, one willing to ask, the other willing to answer.

As we walked and talked about the books that had helped me in prison, I knew this wasn’t the typical first date. It wasn’t the plan back at USC—to be walking around a lake talking about walking around a prison track. Yet it felt right, like we were both enjoying the experience: me still trying to explain it, her just taking it in.

She asked what I had been reading. I told her about the philosophy books that helped me think differently and about Michael Santos—how he had been my mentor inside and how I was still figuring out how to build my own identity while giving him credit for what he had taught me.

“I’m grateful for him,” I said. “He taught me more than anyone, but I’m trying to form my own voice now.”

She nodded. “That makes sense. I can see that in your writing.”

Then the conversation turned to literature. I told her about my obsession with Ayn Rand in prison and how I was finally breaking free of it. I had read Atlas Shrugged twice and learned more than two hundred new words from that book alone. I loved her defiance, but I’d mistaken copying her for thinking on my own.

I told Sandra a benefit of my prison term was trying to be more like Howard Roark—the architect who built for himself—and less like Peter Keating, who built to please others.

I mentioned that on the drive there I had been listening to Dante’s Inferno. Dante wrote that the way out begins by walking through the fire. That image stuck with me; for me, talking about prison was part of that walk. She liked hearing about the philosophers who had guided me and how their lessons influenced how I was trying to live my life.

We kept walking. I learned she had gone to Cornell—far from her home in Orange County—and that the first time we texted she was in London, traveling alone. I admired that independence. I told her so.

“I could never have done that back then,” I said. “I was the mama’s boy who picked USC partly because it was thirty minutes from home.”

She laughed. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“Maybe,” I said. “But I see how much confidence it takes to go across the world by yourself.”

By the time we finished the loop around the lake, I realized she wasn’t judging me for the conviction; she was looking at the life I’d been building since. Everything she’d seen—the writing, the website, the work—had already done part of the talking before we met. That’s the irony: I’d spent years creating those assets to show probation officers, judges, and prosecutors who I was becoming, never really knowing they would one day compel a beautiful woman to see the good in me.

Driving home from that first date with Sandra, I thought about the people who had pushed me to stop rationalizing and waiting for perfect timing—the man in Arkansas I would never see again and an old friend I ran with in Woodland Hills. Both had thought enough of me to tell me the truth when it would have been easier to stay quiet.

By the time I hit the red light, I was excited—had a feeling I hadn’t known for a while. I picked up my phone and texted Sandra: “When can I see you again?”

Reflection Journal

Nietzsche wrote: “The value of a thing lies not in what one attains with it, but in what one pays for it.”

Write down one thing in your life you’ve been measuring by what it gives you instead of what it costs you. Then answer this: What would happen if you stopped asking what it gives and started accounting for what it takes?

Justin Paperny, Author of Lessons From Prison and Ethics in Motion

FAQ ABOUT CHAPTER 5

Q1: Why did Justin include a story about an accountant challenging him?

To show how easy it is to hide behind pride. That moment forced humility—and set the tone for everything that followed.

Q2: What’s the meaning of the Nietzsche quote about cost and attainment?

It means you measure a life not by what you’ve achieved, but by what you’ve sacrificed to achieve it. That’s the moral weight of every decision.

Q3: What does this chapter teach people facing federal sentencing?

That preparation and honesty cost something—comfort, ego, excuses—but they’re cheaper than regret.

Q5: How can someone apply this lesson today?

Start accounting for the cost of your choices.